shrinkingviolet

I haven’t written a blog for a while- I do it when the mood takes me or I have something on my mind.  So the reason why I am writing this today is that I feel really weird about my weight loss.  It’s like I am still like I was even though the ticker says 59lbs lost.  I wrote a comment on someone’s blog yesterday commending her for being so upbeat and positive about her weight loss and all day today, I have been wondering why I am not the same?

Today, I saw a woman in town while I was stopped at traffic lights and I was looking at her and comparing her to me.  She wasn’t a super skinny model type but just a regular woman about 10 years older than me.  She was just going about her day, unaware that I was scrutinising and comparing her legs to mine etc. but I came away hoping that I didn’t really look like her weight wise.  Honestly, I don’t know what I look like.  I have avoided the camera since I put on weight and I am still camera shy.  The mirror isn’t the most truthful thing,  in my opinion because you can spend ages looking at your best side and ignoring the bulky bits left unseen.  I did go into a shop fitting room about 2 months ago after 3 years of avoiding them and truth be told, I did notice a difference but still not beach beautiful by any means.  I am still 20 lbs off my target and maybe then I will be happier but my fear is, I won’t.  I hate sounding so negative- apologies for wallowing!  I don’t know if it’s to do with an eating disorder that I had for 13 years and still appears when I get stressed or upset.  During those times, I was never happy with my weight and always thought I was fat.  When I look at pictures of me during those years, I am amazed I could think like that then.  I say now that I would kill to look like that now!  But will that always stay with me?  Will I always think I am fat even when I am not?  Will I never be happy with how I am?

Look, honestly, at 20lbs off my target weight (weight I was before pregnancy and ensuing chocolate overload), I know that I am not there yet.  Just a little down because I still don’t really feel the whole weight loss thing is happening to me- if you can understand that?  When people compliment me, I get really embarrassed like I wished they hadn’t said anything and put me on the spot.  One woman asked me what pills I was taking, another what I was doing to lose weight and I just mumble something inane and shuffle off… It’s nice to hear but at the same time, I’d rather not hear it!It’s like something dirty I don’t want to discuss. Weird?

I suppose I would just like to know if any one else out there feels the same as me?  Are you all totally aware of your bodies and how they appear?  Are you all whooping with joy with each lb lost?  I don’t want to start a moan fest- I just want to know if there are other people on here who feel confused about their bodies during and after weight loss.

Thanks for reading- I feel much better for airing it!

I bought a pair of jeans that I didn’t try on in the store- thinking they were big enough to fit…wrong!  They didn’t go up past my knees!  I used these jeans as a measuring stick- trying them on every once in a while.  It was depressing when they didn’t fit despite a week of virtuous eating but I folded them away and kept on hoping.  At the start of August, I tried them on and with a lot of straining and sucking in the tummy while lying on the bed, they closed!  They were VERY tight, especially around the waist and I couldn’t wear them for more than a minute or two without nearly passing out… It’s mid November now and the same jeans are loose on me!  My next project is a black dress which I wore until I was about 5 months pregnant.  It’s not a maternity dress but I could wear it comfortably even with my baby bump.  I tried it on this week and struggled with the zip.  I looked 9 months pregnant and wouldn’t dream of leaving my room wearing it but I am hoping that it will be a good fit for Christmas.  After that dress fits, I have a whole wardrobe of skinny clothes to slim in to… once I get them out of the attic where they have been banished to for the last 3 years!

I’ve had it with the extra poundage- it has to go!  I am so ashamed to say that two pairs of my jeans have thigh rub holes in them!  That’s a sign, isn’t it?  When you start to erode your clothes, you have to face the music.

So I started Jason Vale’s Turbo Charge in 14 Days on Monday.  It’s a juice detox to begin with and the book gives lots of tips on how to maintain the principles of healthy eating through juicing and whole foods.  It’s a great read- written by an ex fattie and now super fit hottie!  It’s tough love in a book- snapped me out of the ‘But I’m happy the way I am…’ frame of mind and into reality.  I am overweight (as my poor jeans will testify) and I need to do something about it.

My diet has changed radically since Sunday last.  I have 2 juices - one for breakfast and one for either lunch or dinner and a sensible meal like steamed chicken with lots of steamed veg or today at lunch I had homemade minestrone (with wholegrain pasta).  My juice has pineapple, apples, cucumber, spinach, celery,lime and avocado so it’s really filling and surprisingly tasty.  For these 14 days, I want to avoid caffeine, alcohol, dairy (apart from bio yoghurt), red meat and the usual suspects sugar and white, processed junk. Part of the plan too is exercise twice daily and restricting Internet/TV use to 2 hours per day.  I have to admit, day 1 and 2 were very tough- headaches and irritable but yesterday and today, I feel fantastic!

Exercise is a huge part of it too.  I fell off my gym bunny wagon in March and went back on Monday only to get a HUGE hug from one of the Personal Trainers to welcome me back!  That perked me up no end! I take my little girl out for a big walk (about 45mins) during the day and then in the evenings do 30 mins in the gym with a 30 min walk.  I am as stiff as a board but I feel wonderful apart from that!

There’s no point in lying to myself or pretending I am happy the way I am.  I just have to rise to the challenge and take it on!